First Year Roundup

Most people know that medical doctors are geniuses with a uniquely advanced understanding of whats going on in the gooey insides of living things. But how did they get that way? Did they really all start out as stupid as me? Well I thought it might be nice to put things in perspective with a stream of consciousness, drunken rant on my first year takeaways. I thought I would start with a common question, and then explain my understanding, with what little education I have now. I’ll look back on it when I am a certified genius and laugh or cry or something. So here we go.

  • Question: My dog has diarrhea. WTF?
    • Answer: First off – what is the make, model and year of your dog? I am going to assume it’s a pit bull/mix about 2 years old. Is it current on it’s vaccines? If not, then fuck off. If yes, then continue reading. What is the color of the diarrhea? Is it dark or light and mucous like? If dark, your dog has some intestinal bleeding. If there is red in the shit, it is probably a problem of the colon. Darker means farther up the digestive tract. I need to look at your dogs poo. Can you bring it to me? It could be indigestion because it is a dumb 2 year old pit bull that eats whatever it can fit into it’s mouth, but it could also be parasites.
  • Question: Do ants get cancer?
    • Answer: Cancer is a result of out of control cellular reproduction that causes pathology. This comes from mutations in the DNA due to environmental harm. Sunlight, DOW chemical, flint water, etc. The longer an organism lives, the more the DNA of that organism is subjected to strikes by environmental conditions. Humans live far too long and get cancer all the time. But ants live pretty long too. A black garden ant can live 15 years, and as a result of this long lifespan, and the amount of Monsanto greatness we have bestowed upon them, they do actually get cancer. In fact the leading causes of ant death are cancer and amplified sunlight exposure due to human adolescent boredom.
  • Question: How often do dogs go into heat?
    • Answer: Look, these are the basic facts that seem unimportant during vet school, but are probably really important after. I do know that dogs have a zonary placenta, and I am familiar with the histology of that placenta, and the ways it is able to bear litters. But that is not very interesting or useful to your question. My understanding is that a dog and cat heat cycle is rather eratic and can sometimes happen and sometimes not, but generally it is 1 or two times per year. Look, just get your dog spayed and you won’t have to worry about this shit.
  • Question: Are horses just dogs for rich people?
    • Answer: Yes.
  • Question: How do veterinarians consolidate their oath and ethics while working with the meat and dairy industry as well normalizing lab animal cruelty?
    • Answer: We tell ourselves the same thing that hippies that joined the democratic party told themselves in the 70s. The best way to change things is from the inside. Work within the system man! Of course any rational human would recognize that this completely ignores the power dynamics at play, and simply solidifies and normalizes an unsustainable industry, but student loans need to be repaid, so we put that oath on the back burner. We are sorry, but we are not the problem. Capitalism is.
  • Question: Woah, you’re gunna be a vet? They make bank! I had to take my cat in and it was like a hundred bucks! I was like, fuck that!
    • Answer: Yes, I hope I can someday join a profession, where I can finish a days work with a clean conscience. But the more I interact with any profession, the more I feel like it is equally impossible to do this in any profession so long as we exist under a capitalist economy based on profit motive. Vets have the highest debt to income ratio. The schooling is irrationally priced based on what they make. The average veterinarian makes less than 90,000 per year and has around 200,000 dollars of debt. The average equine veterinarian makes around 45,000 per year, which puts them under the poverty line if they are raising a family. So, if your vet is trying to up the prices, and seems a little pissed, it’s not because they are a bad person (what person that devotes their lives to taking care of animals could be?), it’s because they have been fucked by every facet of capitalism, just like you. Let’s not blame each other. Lets blame Trump.
  • What if a pistachio were to remain intragnizent? 
    • Answer: It is clear, from the context, what you mean. Should a pistachio provide a tempting opening which is still to small for your well trimmed, but still somehow very filthy thumbnail to fit into, please dispose of the roasted and salted, delicious treat. It is always more trouble that it is worth.

This post was written under the influence of Founders Centennial IPA. 

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