Vaginas & Vienna Lager

IMG_1093Public education in the United States is among the shittiest of all countries when it comes to sex education. Especially horse sex. I didn’t learn shit about horse sex in grade school OR high school and that’s pretty shameful. I had to learn from the tragedies in Enumclaw. Also, little to nothing about human sex sept it’s nasty. That’s why I didn’t have any in high school. Yes. That’s why… nasty!

So, what the fuck is sex? I mean, lots of people do it without thinking, but lets get histological about what’s going on down there. Why do my balls hurt sometimes? Why do they shrink when I’m cold? Dafuq is estrus? Dafuq is leutenizing hormone? When does a sex become determined, and who should choose what bathroom you should go into? Who has access to the coolest placentas on earth? No, we didn’t learn any of this shit. But now we will.

First let us start with gender differentiation. It is popular in social science to distinguish sex from gender to try to refrain from asking questions about the function of sexual intercourse in a self aware population. Gender can be fluid and determined by life choices, but sex is determined by chromosomes. This creates a problematic nature versus nurture argument in gender identity.

Veterinary medicine does not have that distinction. Sexuality is synonymous with gender. Animals are not subjected to external sexual pressures, so you see the spectrum of gender differentiation play out in animals without the social commentary or social reflection. People place their own gender paradigms on their pets, but pets don’t give a fuck.

“Why did you put a pink bandage on my dog, it’s a boy dog! And did you just call sheila HIM? I want to talk to your manager!!!” Guess what, your dog is not racist or sexist or homophobic, and doesn’t give a shit what color bandage we put on it, or what gender we associate it with. That’s all you.

So how does the gender spectrum play out in animals? This is not a loaded question I swear. The answer is the same as it should be in humans “Who gives a fuck?” That is the answer.

Is your dog humping other dogs of the same gender?

Who gives a fuck?

Is your dog pissing in the same spot another gendered dog pissed?

Who gives a fuck?

Is your dog fond of that certain color toy you bought for your other dog?

Who gives a fuck?

Nobody gives a fuck because it does not matter. Realistically, it shouldn’t for humans either, but this is where we are. Gender is very important, and the reflection on those identities is even more important.

So, from this distant lens, when is “sex” determined?

All fetuses start out the same. They have a mesonephric (Wolffian) duct and a paramesonephric (Mullerian) duct which run close to two gonads in the abdomen. They are capable of developing into either gender. The determining factor has to do with genetics at inception and hormone development.


Everyone has probably heard that there is probably some XY, XX thing, and that “Hey, there it is, you are one or the other.” That is bullshit. Here’s the truth. All fetuses are default female. The expression of the Y chromosome (which is, by the way, scienctifically the shittiest chromosome) determines what happens to the gonads. So this Y chromosome gets expressed, sometimes a little bit (me), sometimes a lot (my big strong brothers), but the fact is that it gets expressed differently, and those differences change with development.

It’s true, I finally got my balls, some would say too late, but the necessary hormones produced themselves in the correct amounts, that my ovaries descended through my inguinal canal and produced an organ that can do some serious urine aiming, but the girth has something to be desired.

So, there was enough expression of the Y chromosome to produce Sertoli cells, which degenerate the Mullerian ducts, and Leydig cells, which secrete testosterone. But the amount of female organ suppression is not always the same. Testosterone varies wildly between the ball bearing and the ovary bearing alike. There are many females that produce way more testosterone than me, but did not produce enough Sertoli cells to degenerate their Mullerian ducts and so their balls are still way up in their shit. And that is truely fucked.

So let’s assume the gonads made their decision. “I wanna hang back and kick it in the abdomen with this felopian tube lookin thing”, or “I wanna get the fuck outa here and the inguinal canal looks like the chicken shit way out.” What is the difference and how does it change things? And how do horse dicks work?

Lets get down to brass tacks. Balls are ovaries that chose a different path. Enough hormones were secreted to allow the degradation of the paramesonephric duct and allow the balls to descend into the scrotum though the deep inguinal ring. The penis is a byproduct of this differentiation. And the horse penis is a fucked up by-product of this differentiation. The stallion has a huge penis that can tuck up pretty good. Because it’s a telescoping penis that retracts in multiple pre-pucial folds. This can lead to people underestimating the ass cleaving capacity of this organ. Remember, they are as long as they need to be, so don’t you dare.


Balls make semen, and semen needs to be kept at a certain temp. It’s fickle as fuck. And it makes a fuck-ton of semen, because they are shitty survivors. The testicle produces a ton of semen and this leaves the testicle in a single duct called the epididymis. This single duct winds out of one end of the testicle and coils in all sorts of directions to the other pole of the testicle “The tail of the epididymums” where it waits for ejaculation. And when they are just hanging, waiting to fuck shit up, they wanna chill. If it’s too hot, then you have a muscle called the cremaster muscle which relaxes in heat to cool down your shitty balls. When it’s cold as fuck, that shit tightens like mofo and pulls your balls all cuddly.

When you are jerking off and crying alone while drunk, sperm leaves the tail of the epididymis travels though the inguinal canal into the abdomen and passes through the prostate, which surrounds the bladder and empties into the urethra. It then gets pushed into the waiting Kleenex, which is probably already soaked with lonely tears.

But what about the ovaries? What about when that shitty Y chromosome doesn’t fuck everything up?

Once ovaries are developed, they have around 750,000 eggs in them. That’s all they get. The end. The eggs are cells in the ovaries that have the opportunity to develop into oocytes. These are the eggs that the sperm you wasted on that teary Kleenex are waiting for. But unlike your sperm, which flies in every direction all over the walls and everything, the oocytes are selected and ejected with patient and regular cycles. They first compete within the ovaries. At any time within the ovary, there are many follicles (potential eggs) in varying stages of development.

The pituitary gland up in your noggin  produces a couple hormones that regulate these developing stages. The first is follicle stimulating hormone which pushes the follicles along their stages, and the second is Luteinizing hormone which stimulates ovulation and the formation of corpus luteum, which is the end game. This is not like the testies, where there are tons of soldiers. This is 5 or 6 oocytes waiting to develop and one gets ejected each cycle.

Once the egg gets ejected it gets caught up by the waiting Fallopian tube which is like a catchers mitt outside the ovary. It’s just waitin. It ushers the oocyte into the tube and into a part of the tube called the isthmus where it can wait for a bit for a sperm to make it through a ripped condom, through the nuvaring and into the cervix, which is the main barrier to foreign material (and believe me it is foreign). Then the sperm is ushered into the tube where it excretes certain ovary piercing substances from the head of the sperm that allows it to enter the genetic material into the oocyte.

That is the reproduction you never learned about. Horse dicks and all. But just remember, reproduction is different than sex, and sometimes sex is different than gender, and in the end, people should use whatever bathroom they feel comfortable in, because pissing needs to happen no matter what. If you think that’s wrong, wait for the next post on renal physiology.

So now we arrive at the most important question of this whole article. The placenta. And who has access to the coolest placentas on earth? The placenta is a formation of nutrient exchange for the developing fetus, which will be discussed in later posts on embryology. But what most of us wonder is who has access to the coolest placentas? The coolest in all the world? Who? Who dafuq?

That would be Dr. Benirschke, the human MD who wrote the textbook on placentas and who worked with the San Diego Zoo to look at the most bitching placentas ever fucking known. It’s so fucking great. Link below.

This post written under the influence of Eagle Monk Vienna Lager


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